White Chocolate Truffle
What black arts could have stripped this chocolate of its natural hue? The horror of the unearthly, corpselike pallor of this truffle's complexion is only offset by its fiendish deliciousness.
Nut Cluster Crunch
This eerie candy will test the sanity of all but those who possess the strongest of constitutions. Strange congeries of almonds, walnuts, and pistachios dance hypnotically within, promising to reveal their eldritch secrets to anyone foolish enough to take a bite of these ancient nut clusters!
Coconut Creme Swirl
They say that the Coconut Creme Swirl sleeps. But if the dread Coconut Creme Swirl slumbers, surely it must also dream. It is certain that while it dozes the Coconut Creme Swirl is absorbed by terrifying visions of exacting its creamy tropical vengeance upon mankind! Consume the Coconut Creme Swirl before it awakens to consume you!
Dark Chocolate Fudge
Dark! All-encompassing, eternal darkness! Human eyes cannot penetrate the stygian blackness of this unholy confection!
Peanut Butter Cup
In 1856, a fisherman from a tiny hamlet on the New England coast made a terrible pact with serpentine beasts from beneath the sea, that he might create the most delicious sweet seen upon the Earth since the days of the great Elder Race. Thus was forged the satanic pact between peanut butter and chocolate that resulted in the mutant offspring you see before you!
Chocolate Cherry Cordial
You must not think me mad when I tell you what I found below the thin shell of chocolate used to disguise this bonbon's true face. Yes! Hidden beneath its rich exterior is a hideously moist cherry cordial! What deranged architect could have engineered this non-Euclidean aberration? I dare not speculate.
Caramel Chew
There is a dimension ruled by a blind caramel God-King who sits on a vast, cyclopean milk-chocolate throne while his mindless, gooey followers dance to the piping of crazed flutes. It is said that there are gateways in our world that lead to this caramel hell-planet. The delectable Caramel Chew may be one such portal.
Toffee Nugget
Few men dare ask the question "What is toffee, exactly?" All those who have investigated this substance are now either dead or insane.
YOU ARE A FAT MANS GOD. ALL HAIL WHITMAN AND HIS SAMPLERS. FUK WEIGHTWATCHERS. I LOVE ME SOME CHOCOLATE. CAN YOU SAY "Heart disease".........................I thought ya could.............
To be honest - I have never heard of Whitman's - only Walt Whitman - whom I am sure is not in the chocolate business. I could google search I guess - but I can only assume that Whitman's is a purveyor of chocolates?
Ah, that always sucks when that happens. I had never heard of the brand - have heard of others like Lee's candies out of San Fran and of course the Ghirardell family.
For my 21st birthday, the Clif Bar company sent me the recently introduced Luna bar, "the whole nutrition bar for women." That's what it said right above my printed name. I understand mistakes. Maybe if my name were Alex or Pat or Sam I could have shrugged it off. But my name isn't Alex, Pat, or Sam. It's Nicholas, and I have never known a female Nicholas. Did I really need to be singled out like that? Couldn't they address the bar to "Current Resident"? My birthday was teetering on disaster.
How did I get on this list, anyway? Did I accidentally buy women's deodorant while using my Safeway Club Card? Is it because I used to shave my legs before swim meets? Was it the drag performance I did at 4-H camp? Regardless, I am considering sending a long and irate letter to the CEO of the Clif Bar company.
That aside, the Luna bar was delicious. I would recommend Luna bars to anyone looking for a meal that delivers quick calorie intake and hormonal balance.
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T.G.I. Friday's Jack Daniel's Glazed Ribs
Submitted by Ter McDermott
This may be a Jack London story line, I'm not positive, but here's the gist of it: There's an Eskimo who kills a polar bear by feeding it what is basically razor wire wrapped in some meat. The bear wolfs it down whole, and as it's digesting the meat, the metal slowly unravels and starts tearing viciously, slowly, at the bear's guts. The Eskimo follows the subsequent blood trail until he comes across the dead bear, its insides fully laid waste, all ignominious and red, upon the snow. The story went something like that.
All right. Now envision that story with my wife and me playing the role of the polar bear, T.G.I. Friday's playing the part of the Eskimo hunter, and their Jack Daniel's Glazed Ribs as the seemingly delicious meat that tears apart our guts.
Postscript: We split those ribs. Surely it would have destroyed us altogether had we ingested an entire portion each.
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Swanson's Hungry-Man Meals
Submitted by Mike Petrucelli
I don't think there's much that's new about these, judging by a quick look at the box. A bright yellow flag trumpets: "Over 1 lb. of food!" Not "More potatoes than ever before!" or "Now double meat!" or "A bigger brownie-looking thing." Just "food." More than a pound of it. Is that the best they could do? Would Jerry Bruckheimer crow about "Over 37 minutes of fire"? Would Hugh Hefner be content with "Over 20 sets of boobs"? I worry that uninspired marketing will erode the excitement and joy of eating conveniently packaged microwavable processed foods to the level of joyless face-stuffing.
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Wrap-itz Omega-3, Calcium,*
and Fiber White Wheat Wraps by ¡Tam-x-íco's!
Submitted by Bree Barton
One day, I realized I was sick and tired of eating boring tortillas. When I grilled a quesadilla or made a healthy lunchtime wrap, I didn't want it to be average; I wanted it to be exceptional and exotic. I wanted—no, needed—a tortilla for the new era, an era of cultural pluralism and identities that are ultimately flexible. Tia Rosa was dead to me.
It was the package that first caught my eye, a colorful conflation of graphics, text, and so many exclamation marks I felt instantly enthusiastic! There, behind the overwrought plastic, was a tortilla unlike all the rest. In fact, it wasn't a tortilla at all; it was a Wrap-itz Omega-3, Calcium, and Fiber White Wheat Wrap by ¡Tam-x-íco's! Overwhelmed by conflicting emotions, I bought a package.
Tammy Young, founder of ¡Tam-x-íco's!, is evidently in the throes of a midlife crisis. Like many other middle-aged women, she's suffering from a major identity meltdown. But, unlike other frustrated forty-somethings, who express their rage by inflicting injury on husbands, luxury cars, expensive wardrobes, and small children, Ms. Young has turned her fury onto her tortillas. The result? Tammy's tortillas are confused.
It's their confusion that makes Wrap-itz Omega-3, Calcium, and Fiber White Wheat Wraps by ¡Tam-x-íco's! so endearing. They are obviously bearing the brunt of many impossible questions. Are they white? Are they wheat? How the hell can they be both?
Just as I find comfort in Tammy's tortillas, I find inspiration in ¡Tam-x-íco's! Tammy. She continues to reinvent herself. Someday, Tammy's legacy will reach across the nations, beyond drug lords and child prostitutes and border patrols and mariachi bands, past the great gulf and the Rio Grande, until the very name of Tammy is forever joined with the great country of M-x-íco itself. On that glorious day, Tammy will perform pure linguistic fusion, uniting her identity with that of Mexico in perfectly punctuated, admirably accented harmony.
Selections from HP Lovecrafts brief tenure as a whitman's sample copywriter
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